Steve Parr

When Tom Crites and I conducted the research for the book “Why They Stay,” we found several surprises. The book addresses the issues that keep children and teens connected to church into their adult lives. On its face, one of the surprises sounded like bad news and actually hurt my feelings personally as a new grandparent. We were surprised to discover no correlation between the faith of grandparents and whether young adults were still actively involved in church as adults. That is not to suggest that grandparents cannot have an influence. The key message of this finding is for parents and the message is this; You cannot delegate the spiritual development of your children to anyone else. Though you may take pride in the fact that your dad was a deacon or your mom sang in the choir, it is you and your spouse that your children are most likely to model their faith after.

 

What is a grandparent supposed to do with this information? Quite frankly,  I would ignore it and that comes from the person who wrote it. Here is why. My grandparents had a direct effect on my spiritual journey. The research is a 10,000 foot view of trends and probabilities. The whole premise of the book is that parents and church leaders have influence and the research directs them to the points of impact. What steps can a grandparent take to increase the probability that their grands will be in church as adults?

 

First, revitalize your relationship to your adult children. If you are estranged from your adult children for any reason, your ability to influence your grandchildren is lessened greatly. You will have less time with them (if any), less access to them, and less influence on them if your children are undermining your credibility based on a damaged relationship. I want to acknowledge that the problems may not even be your fault. Let’s assume for the moment you are totally on the right side of whatever the issues may be. Could it be that you need to make a sacrifice for your grandchildren? Take the high road and the humble road and set aside the fact that you are right, seek reconciliation even at a cost to your pride, and turn your attention to any possible influence you can have on your grandchildren. This is particularly important if one or both of their parents are not in church. They are in an uphill struggle for their spiritual development and you need to be a cheerleader for their faith. You cannot do that if you are estranged from the your grandchild’s parents.

 

Second, do what you must to get your grandchildren to Jesus. Ideally, their parents are taking them to church. If not, and it is in your power to do so, take them to Sunday School, worship, Vacation Bible School, send them to a Christian Youth Camp, and do all in your power to get them to Jesus and to a place where their faith is continually being fed as often as is within your power to do so and as early in their lives as possible.

 

Third, share the tools (of how to keep kids connected) with your  adult children. Whether you give them a copy of a book like “Why They Stay,” or share from the lessons you have learned from reading it yourself, or pointing them to a website like whytheystay.com, find a way. Obviously I highlighted the resources that are part of the project I am invested in right now, but please understand that the principle is what I want you to see and not a product. Discover good resources and feed them to the parents of your grandchildren.

 

Fourth, be a model of faith and a cheerleader for the faith of your grandchildren. You have probably heard it said before that  your life may be the only Bible that some people ever read. That may be true for your grandchildren if their parents are not living their faith. Be a Christ-like model of faith and demonstrate what it means to live for Jesus Christ. In addition, everyone needs encouragement. Be a cheerleader for the faith or your  grandchildren by affirming any and all steps of faith and spiritual growth. Celebrate their spiritual milestones and make much of them as they make much of Jesus.

Leaders by definition serve as “change agents.” Leading change is more difficult when the followers are larger in number, when the followers have been longer entrenched in a culture, or when the leader lacks the skills to inspire and move people toward the desired change. As a leader, you only have control of one of those factors; your skills. Books have been written on the subject but I am going to be audacious enough to suggest four keys you can apply immediately that will help bring about change.

1. Earnestly pray before the process instead of after growing frustrated. Ideas always sound good in theory. However, leaders many times assume an idea is good without seeking God’s wisdom prior to “pulling the trigger.”
2. Sincerely show love to the people you lead. It may sound obvious but I have seen many a leader fail on this one. If you really love on people and they grow to love you, the result is that they trust you to make decisions and are less resistant. The love of a leader will often trump sentimentality for a tradition or idea. This idea takes time to work but you must begin to implement it right now.
3. Make key followers think the change is their idea. When you present a problem to key influencers in your group and ask them to brainstorm solutions, they often will come to the same conclusions as you but are much more enthusiastic about the change when they believe it is their idea.
4. Develop an incremental plan to bring about the change. Sometimes it is possible to divide a solution into ten or more distinct steps that can be applied over many months instead of making a complete change in a weekend and the followers not only don’t resist but sometimes don’t know the change has taken place until it has become the norm.

I love to compete. I don’t’ know that you can tell from my 56 year old body but I actually possess a pretty good sense of balance and coordination. Although I never excelled enough in athletics enough to play on the college level, I have always been able to pick up any game or sport and to become competitive pretty quickly.  I played baseball, basketball, and football growing up and in my adult life have golfed, bowled, played tennis, played softball, and some basketball just to name a few. We can play horseshoes, ping pong, corn hole, or about any other game and I won’t suggest that I will beat you but I will give you a run for your money. [“He who puts on his armor should not boast like he who takes it off” as the Bible says.] I like to compete. As a child my closet was filled with games. My neighborhood was the junior version of the NBA-NFL-MLB and I was the commissioner organizing games, leagues, and tournaments on weekends and throughout the summer beginning at about age six.

 

Competing can be an attribute or a detriment depending on your attitude. I like to win but I don’t consider myself a sore loser. There is always another opportunity to compete and I now possess the added advantage of complaining about some ailing body part that impeded my ability. A competitive spirit can help you excel in your work if it drives you to do your best and to maximize your potential. However, it can be a detriment if you find yourself competing against your fellow team members. I am not referring to a healthy competitive spirit where you seek to be your best. I am referring to an unhealthy competitive spirit that would lead you to “talk down other staff members” in order to make you look better (they lose and you win), or you choose not to support an idea that you did not create (they lose and you can claim it’s not your fault), or you choose not to communicate with another ministry area (you look good and they look bad). It is okay to be competitive, but beware of competing against your own team.

 

John G. Miller concludes chapter fourteen of his book, Outstanding: 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional with this thought: “Its stated in the Bible: ‘A house divided against itself cannot stand.’ Nor can the leadership be maximized.”

 

*Adapted from chapter fourteen of John G. Miller’s book, Outstanding: 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional

 

I love college age students and enjoy occasional opportunities to speak at events on college campuses and churches for that life stage. My youngest daughter is in college and I have always had affection for this group. Those who know me also recognize that three years of my ministry were spent as a pastor to college age students. My concern for the post high school grads has ramped up even higher in light of the research Tom Crites and I recently conducted on young adults who grew up in church and “stayed” active instead of dropping out. Of the fifteen greatest influences, three directly related to what a young person experiences between ages 18-22 and one other had an indirect, though profound effect. Ministry to college age young adults is not just important to the future of the church but critical. Please allow me to take a few moments to dispel some common myths about ministry to this age group.

1. College age students do not care to attend church. That is not true. Many churches have a very healthy attendance of 18-22 year olds while many others have absolutely none. If they did not care to go to church, then there would be no churches with thriving college age ministries. In my leadership of Sunday School over many years I often stated that the number one reason that people do not want to go to Sunday School is because they have been. Ouch! Sadly, some churches are not connecting with young adults and the experience leaves some questioning the value of church attendance. I would argue that a mature believer would be devoted no matter what their prior experience. But, remember that these are 18-22 year olds meaning they are in the phase of “maturing” rather than “maturity.” 

2. There is no point in having a college ministry in your church if you are not in a college town. That is not correct. As a matter of fact, when I was a college pastor, we were 30 miles from the nearest college and averaged well over 100 in this age group on Sunday morning as well as for a weekday Bible study. I do not suggest that the typical church can draw that many students on a weekly basis. But, here is the key. Every community has 18-22 year olds residing there whether there is a college nearby or not and not every young adult goes to college. Many churches think it not necessary to have a college ministry because they have no college students. However, you will not likely reach college students if you do not have a college age ministry with some leaders focusing on this life stage.

3. College age students don’t have much to give to the church. That is not true. Perhaps if you are thinking totally in regard to finances you could make the argument. However, it is during this life stage that many young adults are called to ministry, experience missions, commit to serve as missionaries, and are at a place of strong influence over high school and middle school students. Though you may or may not reap immediate benefits, the church at large reaps the results for decades to come when the lives of college age students are touched by your ministry.  

4. Most churches do not have the resources to have a ministry for college age young adults. That is not true because it does not require a dime. Only one thing is needed. It begins with an adult who is willing to invest time, build a team, minister throughout the week (not just on Sundays), and patiently invest in the lives of post high school grads and young adults.

I want to challenge you to pray, enlist, and initiate a ministry to college age young adults in your church. This ministry is very tough but greatly rewarding. I hope you will check out chapters 17-20 of my new book Why They Stay to learn more about some key discoveries related to the college age experience and the impact on the likelihood that they will still be in church at age 30. Go to www.whytheystay.com to learn more.

Here is a small post that can pay huge dividends in your leadership:

Papa John’s Founder, John Schnatter made this observation:

“I’ve always found that people who struggle are hard on others, but those who do well in life are hard on themselves.”

I believe in high expectations. I believe you should expect the best of yourself and of others. I believe those who serve around me should embrace high expectations of themselves and others. When I make a “goof,” I try to own it, correct it, and own up to it. When others make a “goof,” I try to help them correct it and show as much grace as I can. I believe we can get the “best from one another” without being “hard on one another.” I will not suggest that I have perfected the concept but I do acknowledge that when applied it exemplifies and honors Jesus Christ. In order to maximize your leadership, you must be forgiving.

Adapted from Chapter Thirteen of John G. Miller’s Outstanding: 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional

 

 

Maximized Leadership: Making Multi-Generational and Cross-Cultural Connections

Is your organization struggling with a generation or culture gap?

Has the community changed over the past years bringing the challenges of a growing cultural diversity?

These two challenges have much in common. People naturally find themselves more effective as leaders among those in the same life stage and from the same cultural background. However, leaders who serve the Lord Jesus Christ do not have the luxury of limiting their influence to people their own age who speak their own language (literally or figuratively). The Great Commission commands believers to “make disciples of all nations.” Study up on the cultures that surround you but jump ahead by utilizing these three actions that transcend all generations and cultures.

1. Relationships: Everyone responds to personal interaction that is gracious, loving, caring, and expressive of appreciation. Are you connecting with others simply for love’s sake.
2. Passion: You will never lead anything up by talking it down. If you do not believe with all of your heart who Christ is and what He has called you to do, you cannot expect anyone of any generation or culture to respond to your leadership. Serve Him with passion.  Colossians 3:23
3. Deference without compromise: You need to change. Everyone that grows changes. You cannot be all that God has called you to be without changing. Rarely will you effectively cross cultural or generational barriers without changing or deferring on some level. The key is to do so without compromise of biblical convictions. The challenge is that some people have difficulty separating the convictions from their upbringing. It’s tough and requires godly wisdom. Learn to defer but never at the expense of God’s Word.

Maximized Leadership: Stop What You Are Doing!

I once read an interesting metaphor describing church strategies. It noted that Dakota tribal wisdom says:

“When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” 

However, churches often find themselves trying other strategies.  Consider the following ten ways that churches and organizations deal with the problem of riding dead horses:

10 – Provide additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.

9 –   Provide training to teach people how to ride dead horses.

8 –   Appoint a committee to revive the dead horse.

7 –   Change the person riding the horse.

6 –   Say things like: “This is the way we always have ridden this horse.”

5 –   Appoint a committee to study the horse.

4 –   Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

3 –   Pass a resolution declaring: “The horse is not dead.”

2 –   Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

1 –  Buy a stronger whip.

Churches and organizations are really good at starting programs but have much difficulty stopping them. One of the keys to your progress may be to put a ministry or program to rest.  Is it really making a difference for the Kingdom? Questions you should ask about each program or ministry:

1. Does this fit within the framework of our purpose? If not, it should be put to rest. You cannot pour energy into everything and surely should not waste time on those things that do not fit what you are called to do.

2. Do we have enough leaders to do it well? In some cases ministry or programs may need to be suspended if adequate leadership is not in place. A ministry done poorly can sometimes do more harm than if the ministry is not even functioning at all.

3. Do we have enough resources to do it well? Not everything requires money. But, some things do. The comments above apply here once again.

4. Do we have a passionate person providing leadership? When something is everyone’s responsibility, it tends to be no one’s responsibility. Someone must take the lead and must do so with passion.

5. Is it essential, important, or good? If it is good, stop doing it and focus on those things that are essential and important.

Many churches and ministries struggle because they try to do too many things and/or they do too many things poorly. What is the last ministry you stopped doing? It may be time but it sure will not be easy. Check in next week to learn more about stopping ministry. It is a skill that is lacking in many churches and organizations.

You may recall a Fed-Ex commercial from a couple of years ago where a business has it’s team seated around a conference table discussing ideas on how to stream-line costs. The executive at the head of the table opens up the floor for discussion and brainstorming. A junior team member meekly throws out the idea that opening an account with Fed-ex would save the organization ten percent on online express shipping. There is deathly silence as no one comments. The idea is dead in the water. Meanwhile the team leader has a light bulb go off. He says, “How about this: We open up an account on Fed-ex.com and we save ten percent on online express shipping!” Everyone around the table begins to affirm the brilliant idea. “Great!” “Perfect!” “Just what we needed!”

John G. Miller states that “an organization’s success depends not only on its people but the quality of its ideas. How do you streamline, grow, and achieve your goals?” How do you achieve your objectives? Ideas! What makes an idea good is not “who said it” but “what it can do for the organization.” Organizations must caution against allowing the source of an idea to carry more weight than the merit of the idea itself. It is important that you nurture a culture that encourages input and sharing where you benefit from the experience and wisdom of every member because “good ideas are the lifeblood of all exceptional organizations.”

That gives me an idea.  Until next week….

Adapted from Chapter Twelve of John G. Miller’s Outstanding: 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional

 

Maximized Leadership: Will Your Children Be Attending Church When They Are Adults?

I love to talk about leadership and get great joy in helping people to progress in their skills. If you ever doubt that you possess leadership responsibilities you need only look to your children to realize that you certainly do. Leadership is essentially the ability to influence others and the impact we have on our own children is perhaps the most important test we will ever face in this regard. Did you know that the church is losing two of every three students who grow up attending church? That is a shocking and troubling trend of our day. I am not satisfied with that and I trust that you are troubled by it also. Do you want your children, and the children who grow up in your church, to be attending when they are adults? If so, Why They Stay can help.

Tom Crites and I have been on a journey as we conducted a national research project to determine why those who grew up in church have remained faithful. Instead of observing why many have left, we studied why those who remained committed have stayed. The results have been powerful. We desire to see a movement among parents, students, and church leaders who will commit to do everything possible to help the next generation to not only come to faith in Jesus, but to be devoted to serve for a lifetime. I hope you will be a part of the movement. Would you take a few moments to consider the following?

Watch this two minute video that highlights the forthcoming book, Why They Stay. Click Here

What you will learn from this research is applicable and can strengthen your skills as a parent and as a church leader. The book is now available on Amazon (link) as other online retailers, on kindle and will soon be available for as an audible download.  It was due for release on October 1^st but has already cracked the bestseller list on Amazon. I hope you will get your hands on a copy. Would you prefer a complimentary copy? I invite you to join our team and allow us to send your copy for free. Go here to discover how. Join the Team.

One last thing. If you would be kind enough to post or repost, you may touch lives such as the couple in Dalton, Georgia whose marriage was literally saved after their exposure to this information. I pray that your children and the students in your church will be impacted by this movement!